CRITTERS -- Cover Criticism

In conjunction with my review of Critters (1986), let's compare its original North American VHS box art to its modern DVD art. Will they be classic, characterless, or criminal?

VHS COVER

Verdict: CLASSIC!

Critters had the perfect type of box art for the mid-1980's. Well-produced and eye-catching, it was ready to perfectly target its audience. The thin-line title text in front of a star field evokes associations with other sci-fi films of the era such as Blade Runner or Alien while the two meteors descending out of the atmosphere on a rural horizon establish the film's setting. Then, incongruously smack-dab in the middle of it all, is a big, fat, hairy grinning monster. Lovingly detailed and illustrated, the monster isn't scary but intriguing. Since the film was rated PG-13, this toothy alien is clearly meant to intrigue the kids browsing the movie store. Additionally, the cover's composition leads the eye in a very satisfying circle. Drawn by the creature, the eye is then drawn to the title. From there, the curving arcs of the meteors bring the eye to the barn and back to the the monster. True to the tone of the film while still exaggerating its qualities, the Critters box art is one of the classics.

Modern DVD COVER

Verdict: CRIMINAL!

Oh my God. What is this crispy turd? It looks like someone made this during an afternoon of learning Photoshop from a drop-in course at the local library. Where to start? How about the obvious? Someone went a little nuts with the clone-stamp tool. They couldn't get more than one stock photo of the Critters to paste all over the DVD? They didn't even appear to change the direction of their eyes, so everyone is looking  to the left. This cover is also guilty of two counts of Bevel and Emboss Abuse as well as one count of Reckless Drop Shadow. I've bitched a lot about the lack of imagination in modern DVD art, and I point to the whole Critters series on DVD as proof. Worst of all, the composition is painfully static. The beam of light and row of cloned Critters keeps the eye focused on the centre title text (which is just painful to read anyways). This leaves a lot of dead space in the bottom third of the image. Bleck. Throw this one in the stockades. No chance for parole.

Critters (Review)

Critters (1986) 
Director: Stephen Herek

Yes, Critters was rated PG-13 upon its release in 1986, but when you compare it to the prior films that helped forge the PG-13 rating in 1984, it's quite clear that Critters and its sequels started out as more than a Gremlins ripoff - Critters certainly had more teeth!

SYNOPSIS

Space. A cliched frontier. These are the adventures of the Krites: carnivorous alien fur balls. After they escape their inter-stellar prison transport ship, two shape-shifting alien bounty hunters are hired to track them down. Their mission: find the Krites and blow them the fuck up. However, the Krites have escaped to Earth and are set to ravage the bucolic town of Grover's Bend and the unsuspecting Brown family who lives there.

Rating: 3 / 5 Krites

IS IT SHOCKING?

I'm going to say "yes" in so far as Critters was certainly surprising. As I mentioned before, Critters is often charged with being one of the many Gremlins rip-offs in the mid-to-late eighties. These were low-budget films such as Ghoulies, Hobgoblins, Munchies, Troll, and Beasties in which the primary appeal was to see small puppet monsters who were vaguely wacky. Critters, however, belongs in a different league. For one, the Krites look pretty good. Designed by the Chiodo Brothers, the Krites looked pretty good despite being obvious puppets (or, in their rolled-up tribble form, prop balls being thrown into the frame). They had a certain kind of charisma an detail. With their mouths full of rowed teeth and big red eyes, they were certainly some of the better designed puppet creatures of the 80's. A significant portion of the film deals with outer space and aliens, so there's also an attempt at alien makeup, model ship photography, and other special effects. The film itself is also surprisingly bloody for a PG-13 picture. It's by no means a gorefest, but the Krites chomp into people and draw blood unlike in Gremlins where the majority of violence against people happens off-screen. In Critters, no one gets mutilated or visibly shredded, but the Krites are no pushovers either. Perhaps in an attempt to differentiate itself from Gremlins, Critters were mildly more savage (although they'd grow increasingly goofy as the series continued)

Run man, that toupee is pissed!

IS IT SEXY?


Not at all. PG-13 does not make for very sexy films. In one sequence, April Brown (Nadine Van der Velde) and her new boyfriend Steve (a surprise appearance by Billy Zane in his second theatrical role) both go out to the barn for a little fully-clothed making out, but it's a fairly innocent scene and by no means intended to fog any windshields, if you know what I mean. I have it on good authority, however that Terrance Mann turns some people on. Mann plays the human form of Ug, the alien bounty hunter who takes on the image of an 80's rocker he sees on TV (also played by Mann). I don't see it, but maybe Ug floats your boat.

Mann can't figure out if he wants to be a young Bon Jovi or Tim Curry

 IS IT SURREAL?

Critters is pretty standard stuff in terms of film-making. There is one neat sequence in which a destroyed house rebuilds itself that is quite visually interesting, but besides this and some mediocre alien effects, there's nothing surreal about the experience.

IS IT SILLY?

Essentially, Critters is a lighthearted horror comedy that's played with a sense of fun. The premise of carnivorous alien varmints in UFOs is inherently silly. While the Krites are more menacing than any of the other puppet monsters of the 80's, they also have their goofy moments. The Krites are occasionally sub-titled. For example, one of the Krites comes upon an E.T. doll and asks, "Who are you?" before eating it. In another shot, one Krite exclaims, "Fuck!" after his buddy is blown up. Most of the actors play it straight, but both M. Emmet Walsh as Sheriff Harv and Don Keith Opper as Charlie, the UFO-seeing town drunk, bring some levity to the movie. Without these silly moments, quirky supporting characters, and the over-the-top actions of the Alien Bounty Hunters (whose one apparent strategy is to shoot tiny moving targets with gigantic cannons), Critters would be highly forgettable. Thankfully, it straddles that fine line and  tells a satisfyingly fun alien monster story.

An A&E original series: UG the BOUNTY HUNTER