HOUSE -- Cover Criticism

House was a major disappointment as a movie (review), but let's take a look at the film's art and ask ourselves:  Will it be classic, characterless, or criminal?

Verdict: CLASSIC

There were several variations of the VHS cover art (what you see above is actually the theatrical poster, but it's not too different from the box art), but all VHS covers featuring the rotting, floating hand ringing a door bell became instantly iconic. Although the art is not very engaging -- in fact it's quite static and dull and lacking any hint of the film's attempt at humour -- it was highly memorable, nevertheless. The hand is rendered with excellent detail and reminds me of the art from an EC horror comic; the fleshy threads and the bone sticking out of the stump are a nice touch. The dead space around the hand also gives the image some sense of eerie expectation. Overall, this art isn't great, but it does a good job of hooking the reader and has just enough character to deserve its classic status.

FRIGHT NIGHT -- Cover Criticism

Fright Night may have a lot of gay sub text (find out what I mean in my review), but its VHS art is straight up iconic. People know it, but is that enough to give it classic status?  Will it be classic, characterless, or criminal?

Verdict: CLASSIC

How can you argue with this? Although this art does not represent any of the film's camp, its iconic demonic cloud is guaranteed to hook any passerby. In the bottom-half of the frame, a lonely, isolated house is penned in by trees on both sides forcing your attention to the curious figure in the window. Who could it be? Why are they so alone? Are they watching you -- a stalker or voyeur? The painted quality of the image saturated with grainy shades evokes a dark, story-book quality that offsets the creep-factor. But then your eyes are funneled upwards into the unfurling cloud of hell. From the center of a swirling mass of frightful shapes, the unmistakable face of a horrible vampire with piercing eyes impales you from across the room. It draws you nearer to its crooked maw. The person in the window is a victim! Unaware of the horror building behind them! And if you were like me, a kid who loved to be scared, this artwork certainly got you to beg your parents to rent this. Or you grabbed it yourself. No photoshopped headshots from promo stills. No busy, digital-sheen after effects. Just classic composition with effective visuals = horror win

Xtro -- Cover Criticism

Back in my review of Xtro (review) I talked about how weird, disturbing, and silly the film is. But how does its VHS box art stack up?  Will it be classic, characterless, or criminal?

Verdict: CHARACTERLESS!

The box art for Xtro typifies the verbal shrug that is "meh." For a film that includes alien rape, the birth of a full grown man from between a woman's legs, psycho midget clowns, a panther, and a giant killer action figure, why does Xtro look like the art for a lame arcade game? Sure, it represents the thematic content of the father-son dynamic, but compared to other 80's sci-fi / horror box art covers, Xtro just doesn't bring any Xtro-ordinary to the table. I like the warm colour compliments between Tony in his red turtle-neck and the orange/red hues of the alien behind him, but the profusion of white text leaves me cold. You'd have no idea going into this movie how bat-shit insane it really is.

Death Spa-- Cover Criticism

Now that I posted about Death Spa (review), let's look at its VHS box art. Will it be classic, characterless, or criminal?

Verdict: CLASSIC!

I love this box art! Like the movie, the art is so ridiculously fun and indicative of the the movie's tone but also 80's cheese. Although painted with a sense of depth and form, there's nothing particularly amazing about the composition except for the utter incongruity of the elements. When I look at this art, I can't help but think it shows a scene in which He-Man and a transgendered Skeletor have decided to visit Hell's spa. While He-Man is in the background being ass-tortured by an evil Pec Deck, transgender Skeletor is in the foreground feeling the burn as she sculpts a sexy butt and legs to go with her new female body. Although this art is ridiculous, look at the attention to colour. From the foreground to the background we move from the cool and deathly whites, greys, and blues to a higher saturation of infernal reds, browns, and oranges. Compare this to the omnipresence of blue filters and dull digital sheen that's slapped on most modern DVD art. The Death Spa box art is definitely a classic, and I want it as a poster.

CRITTERS 2 -- Cover Criticism

I wasn't impressed with the modern DVD art for Critters, so let's turn our attention now to the VHS art and modern DVD art for Critters 2 (review). Will they be classic, characterless, or criminal?

VHS COVER

Verdict: CLASSIC!

Although this is technically the movie poster, the VHS box art with which I am familiar features the same ball of Krites, but the box art had less text and a red border. This box art for Critters 2 didn't stray too far from the design of the first film's. Instead of a giant Krite, we see the ball of Krites that appears near the end of the film. A striking visual, lovingly painted and detailed, this box art is one I remember from my youth. Although this image feels more static than its predecessor, it makes up for the static design with such an intriguing visual hook.

Modern DVD COVER

Verdict: CRIMINAL!

Wow, these Critters DVD covers really are abortions of Photoshop. This cover is the worst example of lazy digital DVD art I've ever seen. For one, it shamelessly steals the central image of the classic poster -- the ball of Krites -- and then brutally rapes it into submission with radial blur filters. At least the other Critters DVD covers use stock photos. After blurring the shit out of it, some lazy designer pasted it over a nondescript background and photoshopped in some fire that is WAY TOO BIG to be in scale with the stock-photo barn. TA-DA -- new covers for the Critters mass-market DVD release. This probably took, what, six minutes? Maybe four mintues if you don't count all the times the design intern sat there furrowing his or her brow over whether to click "Radial Blur" five or six times.

CRITTERS -- Cover Criticism

In conjunction with my review of Critters (1986), let's compare its original North American VHS box art to its modern DVD art. Will they be classic, characterless, or criminal?

VHS COVER

Verdict: CLASSIC!

Critters had the perfect type of box art for the mid-1980's. Well-produced and eye-catching, it was ready to perfectly target its audience. The thin-line title text in front of a star field evokes associations with other sci-fi films of the era such as Blade Runner or Alien while the two meteors descending out of the atmosphere on a rural horizon establish the film's setting. Then, incongruously smack-dab in the middle of it all, is a big, fat, hairy grinning monster. Lovingly detailed and illustrated, the monster isn't scary but intriguing. Since the film was rated PG-13, this toothy alien is clearly meant to intrigue the kids browsing the movie store. Additionally, the cover's composition leads the eye in a very satisfying circle. Drawn by the creature, the eye is then drawn to the title. From there, the curving arcs of the meteors bring the eye to the barn and back to the the monster. True to the tone of the film while still exaggerating its qualities, the Critters box art is one of the classics.

Modern DVD COVER

Verdict: CRIMINAL!

Oh my God. What is this crispy turd? It looks like someone made this during an afternoon of learning Photoshop from a drop-in course at the local library. Where to start? How about the obvious? Someone went a little nuts with the clone-stamp tool. They couldn't get more than one stock photo of the Critters to paste all over the DVD? They didn't even appear to change the direction of their eyes, so everyone is looking  to the left. This cover is also guilty of two counts of Bevel and Emboss Abuse as well as one count of Reckless Drop Shadow. I've bitched a lot about the lack of imagination in modern DVD art, and I point to the whole Critters series on DVD as proof. Worst of all, the composition is painfully static. The beam of light and row of cloned Critters keeps the eye focused on the centre title text (which is just painful to read anyways). This leaves a lot of dead space in the bottom third of the image. Bleck. Throw this one in the stockades. No chance for parole.

Strange Invaders-- Cover Art: Classic, Characterless, or Criminal?

Following up on my review of Strange Invaders (1983), let's compare its original North American VHS box art to its modern DVD art and see if either is worthy of the title classic, characterless, or criminal.

VHS COVER

 VERDICT: Characterless

Featuring a tag line that sounds like the sarcastic exclamation of a exasperated husband ("Your sisters said they'd leave after dinner. SURPRISE! They're still here!"), the box art for Strange Invaders is otherwise fairly boring. I dig the long shadows being cast by the text, but the rest of the elements don't seem to mesh. Worst of all is the cheesy alien materializing out of the clouds, which clashes with the squiggly "Strange" text in terms of style and tone. By no means a crime against VHS box art, it's a fairly forgettable piece of art. At least it offers some air of mystery unlike it's modern DVD cover art.

Strange Invaders has had at least three different VHS box covers that I know of, including a fairly rare one featuring an alien head shot (currently available on eBay in the UK)

Modern VHS / DVD COVER

VERDICT: CHARACTERLESS

While the original box art offered some air of mystery, when MGM released Strange Invaders on VHS in 2000 and on DVD in 2005 they went with the philosophy of "You want aliens? Here's yer friggin aliens!" While this image certainly reflects the film's campy tone better than the VHS box art, it suffers from a bad case of collage-itis. It also puts too much emphasis on the alien faces which, let's face, look like brown prunes. Flying orbs and lazer fingers attempt to add a sense of excitement, but there's only so much outer-glow you can add to the composition before it starts to look cheesy and outstay its welcome.

While I prefer the original VHS box art, I like it only marginally better. In a somewhat fitting way, both these examples of cover art are as forgettable as the actual movie. A rare example of truth in advertising from the VHS art world.