Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (Review)

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987) 

(aka. The Edge of Hell)

Director: John Fasano

You can't call really consider yourself a red-blooded Canadian fan of exploitation and trash cinema until you've put down your hockey stick, set aside that Tim Horton's, and popped in a copy of the ridiculously bizarre Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare starring Canadian god of glam metal: Jon Mikl Thor. Through The Zed Word: Zombie Blog, I am covering this weekend's SHOCK STOCK weekend in London, Ontario where Thor will be a guest and screening his new project: Thor -- The Rock Opera. What a perfect time, I thought, to finally review this 'classic' Canuxploitation film where Thor battles evil with the power of ROCK!

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is inept to the point of self-satire but is nevertheless fun as hell. It's like the film version of every nerdy metal fan's adolescent wet dreams inspired by comic books and images of rock warriors airbrushed on the sides of vans -- but shot with a less-than-epic budget. It's an amazing gem of trash and cult cinema, and it's all set in Toronto.

SYNOPSIS

Metal band Triton rents out a farm house in rural Ontario so that they can practice their sets and get their fuck on! Lead singer John Triton (Jon Mikl Thor), a beefy blond metal machine who loves Canada for the arts, has a hell of a time getting his band to focus on their music. Between sneaking off to fuck their boyfriends and girlfriends, the band is being tormented by evil demons in the shape of silly latex puppets and Halloween props. The band is picked off, one-by-one, until only Triton remains. Then, the film takes a spectacularly out-of-nowhere twist that concludes in one of the most mind-boggling and cheer-worthy final battles ever filmed between good and evil.

Rating: 2.5 / 5 Smoking Puppets

IS IT SILLY?

Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare might give new meaning to the word. Obviously, the film is not meant to be truly scary, otherwise it wouldn't be populated by one-eyed puppets that smoke, ill-fitting leotards and metal rock costumes, and unforgivably bad monster masks. Yet, it's precisely this haunted house of cheap tricks and completely random host of demons and goblins that gives Rock 'N' Roll nightmare its indelible charm.

Was it good for you, baby?

Aside from the silly effect, actor Jon Mikl Thor brings the movie to a whole new level of endearing ridiculousness with his portrayal of Triton, an impossibly earnest metal band front-man. Thor is simply so clearly into his role despite the bad script and bad direction that his commitment to this bizarre movie should put a grin on your face. Watch him rock that mic in a red vest and belt out complex lyrics such as, "Energy takes me where I want to be. And you're where I want to be.Girl, you give me (give me) energy!"

The poor direction and production values also contributes to the film's silly factor. After creating the abysmal Zombie Nightmare (my review @ The Zed Word), Jon Mikl Thor re-teams with John Fasano to demonstrate that they still don't quite have a handle on this whole movie-making thing. Case in point: I REALLY hope you like to watch a van driving...for 10 minutes.

Someone needed to give the editor a hand on this picture

IS IT SEXY?

What Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare lacks in quality, story, and genuine scares, it makes up for in shamelessly gratuitous female nudity. Almost every woman gets nude in this movie, there's plenty of bouncing busts, and even the chiseled Thor gets into the buff for an awkward shower sex scene. There's no time to get bored with the movie with this much bare flesh on screen!

The always classic Handbra

Peek a Boob!

Oh yeah. That's steamy.

IS IT SURREAL?

Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare would just be another cheap Canuxploitation film if not for its balls-to-the-wall ending. As the devil appears to claim Triton, Triton reveals that he's been the only one in the house the whole time. All the other band members, even the one he awkwardly tonged in the shower, have been illusions created by Triton, for Triton is no mere mortal. In fact, he is THE INTERCESSOR, a warrior angel.

He-Man: The Rock Opera

The Intercessor looks like Dolph Lundgren from Masters of the Universe crossed with a heavy metal runway model. We learn that the Intercessor's imaginary friends were just a ploy to trick the devil (played by a rigid rod puppet) out into the open so that the Intercessor could lay a WWF beat down on him.

Arrrrgh! Cyclops starfish attacking!

Seriously, as the battle between the Devil and the Intercessor gets underway, it consists of Jon Mikl Thor grimacing like a wrestler and putting wrestling locks on a cheap rod puppet.

Choke the devil!

Does any of this make sense? Not one bit. But it's a surreal and completely left-turn from demon possession horror into superhero pseudo-fantasy. And I love it.

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Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare is not a good movie -- that's why we call it trash cinema -- but it's a crusty Canadian gem that provides a guilty pleasure for fans of horror and glam metal. Jon Mikl Thor is admirable for keeping a straight face as Triton (aka. The Intercessor). He's the heart of the film. Without him and the insane Intercessor twist, Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare would be little more than a dusty old VHS sitting in someone's basement. As it turns out, the film has enough kooky qualities and a cult fan base to support it that Synapse Films put out a very nice DVD full of extra features. More than you ever thought you wanted to know about Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare.

And Thor fans, rejoice further! Jon Mikl Thor has a brand new project coming out that's screening on April 30th at the Shock Stock horror and exploitation weekend in London, Ontario. I'll be in attendance to bring you a review of THOR -- The Rock Opera. Stay tuned!

Warlock (Review)

Warlock (1989) 

Director: Steve Miner

While Harry Potter fever once again grips video stores upon the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part I on DVD,  I turn my attention to a different tale of witchcraft and wizardry: Warlock. Released in 1989, Warlock was a film I never had opportunity to see as a kid although my friends who rented it used to talk about it. 22 years later, I finally delved into Warlock courtesy of the bewitching magic that is Netflix. After all this time, has Warlock's magic waned? Did it have any to begin with?

SYNOPSIS

In the 17th century, an evil Warlock (Julian Sands) is sentenced to death. Before the expert witch-hunter Giles Redferne (Richard E. Grant) can carry out the sentence, however, the Warlock opens a rift in time and space that transports them to Los Angeles in the late 1980s. Clearly the Warlock is a man of fashion before his time when you consider that his dress and behaviour raise so few suspicions in 1989 despite the fact that he literally crashes through someone's window. Surrounded by other 80's hipsters, the Warlock's ponytail, shoeless feet, and black frock seem ultra-modern. It's even hard to distinguish the Warlock from other late 80's yuppies. Both are arrogant, pretentious, and self-serving, but whereas 80's yuppies might be violent while on a coke bender, the Warlock is wicked by definition: he lives to curse and kill people who get in his way. His satanic mission: locate the separated pages of the Grand Grimoire, an evil book that contains the true name of God. If spoken in reverse, the name of God will reverse all of creation. It's up to ditzy Kassandra with a 'k' (Lori Singer) and time-displaced witch-hunter Redferne to stop him. What begins as a promising supernatural thriller devolves into a dumb road movie full of lame time travel jokes and a story that is more interested in developing a lame-duck romance than any kind of horror.

Rating: 2.5 / 5 Witch Compasses

IS IT SHOCKING?

Slightly. In terms of violence, the Warlock manages to do his fair share of damage. Basically, the Warlock is pretty much a dick: he'll kill you just for the fun of it. Some tongues are ripped out and some eyeballs plucked, but the extreme violence (the killing of a child) happens off screen. Most of the time Sands is on screen as the Warlock he's not terribly scary. Prissy and hammy, the Warlock starts to lose credibility the moment he floats through the air like Peter Pan and is hampered by a weather vane. The mild horror he wrought is essentially negated. Something tells me he's not Hogwart's material.

The Warlock only has eyes for you

IS IT SILLY?

Exceptionally. First of all, the film spends way too much time trying to develop an awkward love connection between Kassandra and the hairy-vested Redferne. He's a fish out of water in the modern world, but hilarity does not ensue when movie tries to turn Kassandra from a self-absorbed and annoying airhead into a viable love interest for Redferne by making her bond with Redferne over his bewilderment at modern technology. These scenes completely drag and essentially killed this movie for me.

The Past and Future of Fashion Crime

 On top of this flat romance, Redferne spends much of the film illustrating a number of silly old-world rules about witches and warlocks with which to fight Julian Sands. On the one hand, it's neat that the film abides by (and surely invents) some archaic beliefs about witches (such as that milk curdles in their presence). This gives Redferne plenty of avenues for tracking the Warlock. On the other hand, these same rules also make the Warlock vulnerable to a silly degree. No matter how strong he becomes, he's extremely vulnerable to salt. Just plain old salt. Dump a bucket of tears on him. Push him into the ocean. Trick him into eating french fries at McDonald's. All this will all kill him. How scary or impressive can a villain be when the very powers of Satan he wields can be bested by one of the most common of all food seasonings?
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For a movie about a killer man-witch, Warlock is insufferably dull. If not for the somewhat quirky witchcraft rules and the mildly amusing violence that follows in the Warlock's path, Warlock would be a complete pass. As it stands, however, the Warlock could stand to take a seriously harsh lesson from Voldemort in what it means to be a real bad ass magic man.

Night of the Demons (1988)

Night of the Demons (1988) 

Director: Kevin Tenney

Night of the Demons did for demon-possession movies what Return of the Living Dead did for zombie movies. Both took a well-worn horror genre in the late '80s and injected it with a youthful punk vigor and rock-n-roll party attitude. And both starred Linnea Quigley getting all kinds of naked!

SYNOPSIS


It's Halloween night, and goody two-shoes Judy (Cathy Podewell) is convinced by her boyfriend Jay (Lance Fenton) to ditch their plans to attend a high school party and instead celebrate Halloween with brewskies and tunes at Hull House, an abandoned -- and allegedly possessed-- mortuary. They are joined by a motley crew of obnoxious yet charming punkers, jocks, and pretty girls including horny Suzanne (Linnea Quigley), meat-head Stooge (Hal Havins), and witchey Angela (Amelia Kinkade). While turning a seance ritual into a party game, Angela accidentally stirs up evil demons that posses some of the teens and proceed to terrorize and mutilate the others. Trapped in Hull House, Judy and her friends attempt to survive until morning, but every one of them that dies returns as a possessed corpse out for their blood. Night of the Demons doesn't break much new ground in the genre, but it's an endearing and energetic dark fantasy with plenty of gore, gratuitous nudity, and excellent makeup effects courtesy of Steve Johnson. From its animated opening sequence to its slate of quotable one-liners ("Eat a bowl of fuck!"), Night of the Demons carries itself with a restrained sense of camp and doesn't take itself too seriously, yet it delivers some serious Halloween horror fun and outlandish visual effects.

Rating: 4 / 5 Stooges

IS IT SHOCKING?

Before we talk about the blood and guts, I was honestly shocked by how much I enjoyed all the teen characters in this film. Sure, Cathy Podewell has the line delivery of a 10th grade drama student. Sure, they're broadly drawn 80's stereotypes, but every young actor breathes some unique life into their characters. They're obnoxious, as teens can be, but they're endearing, especially Stooge. He's part Animal House, part Bill and Ted, and park Bulk from Power Rangers fame. Night of the Demons wouldn't be half as fun without this group of young actors, memorable characters, and nubile young starlets. 

Bleeding gums. A clear sign of gingivitis.

But yes, Night of the Demons brings the gore. Carnage doesn't kick off until almost half-way into the film, but the buildup satisfyingly sets the stage. Once the demons start going for blood, they don't stop. Flesh ripping, eye gouging, impaling, and a disappearing lipstick nipple trick that needs to be seen to be believed. Night of the Demons isn't a meat grinder film, but there's plenty of painful deaths and fantastic demon makeup. In fact, several gory scenes were cut from the film but can be seen reintegrated on the Anchor Bay DVD release.

A demon's face on Christmas morning

IS IT SEXY?

More than blood, when you think Night of the Demons you should think boobies. In the spirit of its juvenile energy, there's plenty of bare boobs, bums, and a bouncy bounty of the female form. Linnea Quigley, in particular, spends large sections of the film with her fanny in the camera, even going bottomless. It's lowbrow nudity for nudity's sake, but it's all done in good fun.

If you wake up nude in a coffin, bed head is the least of your problems.

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On Tuesday, December 7th, Horror in the Hammer is screening the 2009 remake of Night of the Demons at Fright Night Theatre. Although I've come to the 1988 film later in life, the original Night of the Demons now occupies a proud place on my DVD shelf and I see why it's maintained a cult following. It's definitely entered my staple of Halloween-time films. I'm now curious to see how Night of the Demons has been updated.

Will the remake stand up? If you're in the Hamilton area Tuesday night, come check it out for yourself.

Horror in the Hammer's Fright Night Theatre: 

Night of the Demons

 $5.00 Admission 

	Tuesday, December 7 · 8:00pm - 11:00pm
	Staircase Theatre (www.staircase.org) 27 Dundurn St N Hamilton, ON

Creep Reel: HELL GATE (1989)

The New York Ripper (Review)

The New York Ripper (1982) 
(Lo squartatore di New York)

Director: Lucio Fulci

After taking in a viewing of The New York Ripper, one of Fulci's most controversial trashterpieces, I came to an important realization.

I have no real interest in seeing modern New York. I want only to visit the New York of my cinematic childhood. That sleazy, slimy, wet city that was equal parts grime and equal parts glamour that I experienced first in children's fare like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and then, later in life, epitomized in gritty crime dramas and exploitation films like The New York Ripper. New York, in my mind, is comprised only of alleys, sewers, subway tunnels, and peep show booths.

It's for this reason that The New York Ripper appeals to me. Unfortunately, it's not enough to keep me interested. Fulci's shocking and degrading giallo of the 1980s about a misogynistic killer who speaks with the voice of a cartoon duck is predictably silly and simply sleazy for sleaze's sake.

SYNOPSIS

Lassie is ready to give you a hand

After a man walking his dog discovers the rotting hand of a woman, the NYPD soon realizes they have a serial killer on the loose. Somewhat like the infamous Jack the Ripper, this Big Apple psycho targets young women and, with a gloved hand, uses bladed weapons to murder and disembowel his victims. Lt. Fred Williams (Jack Hedley) and "genius" psychoanalyst Dr. Paul Davis (Paolo Malco) attempt to profile and track down the killer. The New York Ripper takes you into the sex shows, seedy alleys, and backrooms of New York City in a giallo full of red herrings and misdirection. Even up until the final act, the killer's identity isn't resolved until we see him or her speak in the killer's tell-tale voice: the voice of a ridiculous cartoon duck.

Rating: 2.5 / 5 Quacks

IS IT SHOCKING?

The New York Ripper was banned in many countries and only shown in "adult" cinemas in others for clear reasons. It features some  harrowing and unflinching depictions of physical violence against women. The killer is fond of using edged blades to savagely cut at women's abdomens and chests, especially in a key scene that will make any boob-lover cringe: the slicing of a nipple and breast with a razor blade. Fulci doesn't pull away from the violence; he lets it fill up the entirety of the screen. By today's standards, some of the prosthetic torsos used to create the kills look quite phony, but the breast mutilation and eye trauma remain as convincing today as in 1982. These scenes are ugly in their cinematic sadism but not their technical execution. 

Do you see something out of the corner of your eye?

While the term gorefest certainly suits New York Ripper, the visual direction is a tedious bore. From kill to kill, the movie moves at a trudging pace, and few kills are preceded by any real dread or suspense. In fact, the film loses much of its momentum by attempting to paint almost every character as a potential suspect. The narrative takes very unnecessary and dawdling side trips to plant red herrings in every corner of the story.. 

The film's also a nastier piece of work than most. While the killer is clearly misogynistic, the film as a whole manipulates its female characters into roles where they are degraded and abused. Not just the killer but the overall thrust of the movie is one of hate towards women. I'm not saying Lucio Fulci hates women -- that's too broad a suggestion. It is clear, however, that he chose to make a movie with a misogynistic outlook. Was this to give the killer's own misogyny a cultural origin to make a point about how society breeds killers who take out their fury on women? I think that interpretation is a stretch and gives the script far too much credit. More likely, it was a conscious decision to shock and disgust audiences in the spirit of exploitation. 

I think you get my point, pal.

IS IT SEXY?

In the sleaziest way possible. I promised myself when I started Monster Chiller Horror Theatre that I would credit any film as "sexy" if it at least embraced the lowest bar of eroticism: gratuitous nudity. As such, New York Ripper meets its quota of bare breasts. Unfortunately, the women to which they belong are being butchered. While New York Ripper explores sexualized violence through its killer, it also explores New York's salacious side through the character of Jane Lodge (Alexandra Delli Colli). Lodge gets off on visiting live sex shows, letting strangers rape her with their bare feet under the table, and being tied up in sleazy hotels. It's for this latter fetish that she crosses fatal paths with the New York Ripper. So, if you like your movies sexy in a shameless, dirty, bordering-on-pornographic level, New York Ripper's for you.

I'd wipe off her seat before you sit in it.

IS IT SILLY?

For some reason, the creative minds behind New York Ripper decided it was a good idea to set their killer apart with a distinctive voice: the voice of an obscene cartoon duck. Yes, picture Donald Duck taunting the police on the phone and hurling misogynistic obscenities as he repeatedly stabs a woman to death. That's the New York Ripper.

Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your sister, I talked... just... like... THIS!

Why? Beats me. In retrospect, the Disneyfication of Times Square in New York takes on a morbid dimension when compared to the depiction of the sleazy Big Apple and its cartoon-voiced murderer. Watching the film, however, the ducky voice completely destroys the killer's credibility while prolonging the cult life of a tedious movie by turning it into an oddball curiosity. I like to think that Fulci was ahead of the his time and was attempting to beat Who Framed Roger Rabbit? to the punch by revealing his giallo killer to be an actual, pen-and-ink toon. How great would that be if, in the climax of the film, a cartoon duck were actually the killer? Alas, the killer turns out to be a mere human with a paper-thin motivation tagged on at the last minute. I guess, if the killer were really a toon, the New York Ripper would be too easy to identify. After all, no toon can resist the old Shave-and-a-Haircut trick.
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What to make of The New York Ripper? It's a lesser artistic work for Fulci but an exceedingly gory, socially degrading, and oddball curiosity. I found it silly and meandering, but I have to give it its due for being a straight-up gore and sex flick, duck-voiced killer aside.

Link (1986)

Link (1986) 
Director: Richard Franklin

When I was a young lad, the VHS cover for Link used to give me nightmares. In fact, anything dealing with a killer ape, monkey, or simian-like Sasquatch was enough to give me the heebies followed by a reoccurring sweat of the jeebies. Little did I know, however, that behind the snarling and eerily illuminated ape face on the VHS box there waited a tepid movie with so few scares it scarcely belongs in the horror genre.

SYNOPSIS

Jane Chase (Elisabeth Shue) his hired to be the personal assistant to Dr. Steven Phillip (Terence Stamp), a primate researcher. Dr. Phillip is conducting communication and IQ experiments with chimps at his isolated and rural estate in the UK. How isolated is it? On one side is a rocky cliff face falling steeply into the ocean. On the other side are miles of open fields apparently prowled by wild dogs. Jane comes to live with Dr. Phillip and meets his three test subjects: Imp, a mischievous chimpanzee; Voodoo, an older and more feral chimp; and Link, a former circus ape who dresses in human clothes and performs as butler around the house. Link's also very fond of matches as he was known in his circus days as the "Master of Fire". When Dr. Phillip decides to have Link euthanized, Dr. Phillip mysteriously disappears, and Link begins to exhibit some bizarrely intelligent, possessive, and violent tendencies that keep Jane isolated in the house and at Link's disposal. Soon, people and apes start to die by Link's hands, and Jane tries in vain to escape.

Rating: 2 / 5 Arsonist Orangutans

IS IT SILLY?

Apes can be scary. Despite how we dress them up and teach them cute tricks to comically mimic human behaviour, apes are capable of a sudden and primal ferocity. When coupled with their small frames yet immense physical power, even the playful chimpanzee can be a threatening force of violence. Unfortunately, Link fails to capture any sense of dread or terror. For one, the kills are all off screen except for one scene in which Link pushes someone down a well. There's very little blood, and when Link finally does goes apeshit near the end of the film, there's just no suspense. The whole thing plods along while Link -- who by the way is actually an Orangutan died brown and not a chimp as the film seems to imply -- runs around in tiny dress clothes banging on doors and windows. Yawn.

Terence Stamp (L) meets his stunt double (R) on the set of Link

In terms of outright silliness, the film's score is the major offender. In Link, the main theme is a horrible synthesis of synthetic jungle pop with circus music, and the rest of the score feels as bouncy and frolicsome as the theme from Gremlins. Whenever Link strolls onto the screen, even when he's hunting down Jane in the house, he's accompanied by a circus-like tune that makes you laugh rather than scared. It's a dull excuse for horror, and not over-the-top enough to be camp or a send up of other killer ape films.

Some apes, it seems, are classier than others.

IS IT SEXY?

If you're not aware, Monster Chiller Horror Theatre embraces a very broad definition of "sexy" that can be boiled down to a simple lowest-common-denominator: nudity. For fans of the female form, Link certainly gives as a worthwhile peek at a young Elisabeth Shue completely in the buff. Check out this hot action.

XXX FULL FRONTAL MONKEY

While disrobing to take a bath, Jane is visited by a very intense Link who forces himself into the bathroom. You know he's up to something lascivious because he's taken off his dress clothes. Jane, too, is completely nude and although the camera does not dwell on Elisabeth Shue's very beautiful body for long, we do get an eyeful of what made her a crush object for so many men in the 1980s. The sexiness of the scene is soiled, however, given that Link is ogling Jane intently, implying -- but never actualizing -- a disturbing theme of ape-on-woman sexual violence.

LINK IS A DIRTY BUG

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What does Link have to offer? A goofy soundtrack, some fleeting nudity, flat dialogue on the part of Shue, and apes running around being silly or growling. I could commend some of the camera work and crane shots, or I could point out the beautiful coastal UK setting, but none of that really matters in the end. Link isn't scary. Link isn't interesting. Link is a dud of a movie. But, let's not end this review on a flat note.

Link is in reality an orangutan, yes? He wants and likes fire, right? Well, so does another more exciting and interesting fictional ape that I know. Let's end this review, then, with a musical number from the Jungle Book's King Louie.