Link (1986)

Link (1986) 
Director: Richard Franklin

When I was a young lad, the VHS cover for Link used to give me nightmares. In fact, anything dealing with a killer ape, monkey, or simian-like Sasquatch was enough to give me the heebies followed by a reoccurring sweat of the jeebies. Little did I know, however, that behind the snarling and eerily illuminated ape face on the VHS box there waited a tepid movie with so few scares it scarcely belongs in the horror genre.

SYNOPSIS

Jane Chase (Elisabeth Shue) his hired to be the personal assistant to Dr. Steven Phillip (Terence Stamp), a primate researcher. Dr. Phillip is conducting communication and IQ experiments with chimps at his isolated and rural estate in the UK. How isolated is it? On one side is a rocky cliff face falling steeply into the ocean. On the other side are miles of open fields apparently prowled by wild dogs. Jane comes to live with Dr. Phillip and meets his three test subjects: Imp, a mischievous chimpanzee; Voodoo, an older and more feral chimp; and Link, a former circus ape who dresses in human clothes and performs as butler around the house. Link's also very fond of matches as he was known in his circus days as the "Master of Fire". When Dr. Phillip decides to have Link euthanized, Dr. Phillip mysteriously disappears, and Link begins to exhibit some bizarrely intelligent, possessive, and violent tendencies that keep Jane isolated in the house and at Link's disposal. Soon, people and apes start to die by Link's hands, and Jane tries in vain to escape.

Rating: 2 / 5 Arsonist Orangutans

IS IT SILLY?

Apes can be scary. Despite how we dress them up and teach them cute tricks to comically mimic human behaviour, apes are capable of a sudden and primal ferocity. When coupled with their small frames yet immense physical power, even the playful chimpanzee can be a threatening force of violence. Unfortunately, Link fails to capture any sense of dread or terror. For one, the kills are all off screen except for one scene in which Link pushes someone down a well. There's very little blood, and when Link finally does goes apeshit near the end of the film, there's just no suspense. The whole thing plods along while Link -- who by the way is actually an Orangutan died brown and not a chimp as the film seems to imply -- runs around in tiny dress clothes banging on doors and windows. Yawn.

Terence Stamp (L) meets his stunt double (R) on the set of Link

In terms of outright silliness, the film's score is the major offender. In Link, the main theme is a horrible synthesis of synthetic jungle pop with circus music, and the rest of the score feels as bouncy and frolicsome as the theme from Gremlins. Whenever Link strolls onto the screen, even when he's hunting down Jane in the house, he's accompanied by a circus-like tune that makes you laugh rather than scared. It's a dull excuse for horror, and not over-the-top enough to be camp or a send up of other killer ape films.

Some apes, it seems, are classier than others.

IS IT SEXY?

If you're not aware, Monster Chiller Horror Theatre embraces a very broad definition of "sexy" that can be boiled down to a simple lowest-common-denominator: nudity. For fans of the female form, Link certainly gives as a worthwhile peek at a young Elisabeth Shue completely in the buff. Check out this hot action.

XXX FULL FRONTAL MONKEY

While disrobing to take a bath, Jane is visited by a very intense Link who forces himself into the bathroom. You know he's up to something lascivious because he's taken off his dress clothes. Jane, too, is completely nude and although the camera does not dwell on Elisabeth Shue's very beautiful body for long, we do get an eyeful of what made her a crush object for so many men in the 1980s. The sexiness of the scene is soiled, however, given that Link is ogling Jane intently, implying -- but never actualizing -- a disturbing theme of ape-on-woman sexual violence.

LINK IS A DIRTY BUG

--------------------------------

What does Link have to offer? A goofy soundtrack, some fleeting nudity, flat dialogue on the part of Shue, and apes running around being silly or growling. I could commend some of the camera work and crane shots, or I could point out the beautiful coastal UK setting, but none of that really matters in the end. Link isn't scary. Link isn't interesting. Link is a dud of a movie. But, let's not end this review on a flat note.

Link is in reality an orangutan, yes? He wants and likes fire, right? Well, so does another more exciting and interesting fictional ape that I know. Let's end this review, then, with a musical number from the Jungle Book's King Louie.

House -- 1986 (REVIEW)

House (1986) 

Director: Steve Miner

House has all the chills and all the laughs of a stale Sunday afternoon made-for-TV movie. Cast primarily with TV actors and directed by Steve Miner, House's potentially interesting story by Fred Dekker is buried under a tone-deaf script and construction that renders both the comedy and horror elements moot.


SYNOPSIS

After being granted super powers by an alien suit and cape, the Greatest American Hero, who once served in Vietnam with Bull the Night Court bailiff, moves into a haunted house next door to Norm, the lovable boozehound. Then.....

No, wait. I’m confusing the actors with their old TV characters again, aren’t I? Damn it. That's a symptom of this medical condition I have. Let me take my pills.

That’s better. Let’s try this again. *ahem*

Horror novelist Roger Cobb (William Katt) is losing a grip on his life and career. Following the mysterious disappearance of his son Jimmy, his wife (Kay Lenz) has left him, and no one is interested in his new book about Vietnam. Sometime later, Roger’s aunt commits suicide in the same house where Jimmy went missing – a house known for weird occurrences – yet Roger nevertheless moves into the house to finish his memoirs about serving in Vietnam alongside a loose canon named Big Ben (Richard Moll). Unfortunately, for Roger and the audience, Roger is soon attacked by a series of painfully cheesy and excessively rubbery special effects. Enlisting the help of his neighbor Harold (George Wendt), Roger goes in search of his son within the paranormal "horrors" of THE HOUSE!

And I soon discover that the first movie I described about The Greatest American Hero palling around with Norm from Cheers is a way better movie than the one I just watched.

Rating: 2 / 5 Norms

IS IT SILLY?

When the film begins, it feels like we're going be delivered a passable supernatural horror comedy with a twist of Jacob's Ladder and some yucks ala Evil Dead 2. On the creepy side of things, Roger Cobb has a nightmare about his missing son playing in the yard and being attacked by a dessicated hand that erupts from the earth and grasps at the child. Then we get a bunch of humorous moments, such as Cobb's interaction with his weirdo fans or when Cobb receives a call from his ex-wife and he turns up the music to pretend he's at a party and not home all alone, but nothing is overly funny. From this point on, nothing is overly scary either. Very quickly, shit just gets goofy.

You paid HOW MUCH for that manicure?

It's hard to even classify this movie as a horror film. It has about as many scares as an episode of Power Rangers with equally rubbery monsters. In the house, which we obliquely learn may be a gateway to another dimension, Cobb must face a wall-mounted marlin that starts flapping around, lazily floating garden tools, a vision of his wife that turns into a fat latex ghoul, and paranormal flashbacks to Nam that look like they were filmed in someone's backyard using big plastic fronds. Then there's Big Ben (Richard Moll) who doesn't play his role with anything resembling a straight face even though he's supposed to be the antagonist. Moll's got the voice for it (FUN FACT: Moll was the voice of Harvey Dent / Two Face on Batman: The Animated Series), but he's a lunk in this film. The whole movie is cornball, and as it entered into the half-way point, I lost all investment in the characters and the situation.

I knew the film had lost me when it transitioned clumsily into a painful music montage of Cobb burying the rubber corpse of the wife/demon/thing

Then, immediately after an inane scene with his neighbor, House jumps directly into ANOTHER music montage. Padding much?

Not even the inclusion of George Wendt as Cobb's neighbor brings any real comedy to this film. It feels like a stale sitcom, right down to the final shot of the film with Cobb smiling directly into the camera as the picture freeze-frames.

Director Steve Miner directed two of the Friday the 13th films and a few other horror pictures, but the bulk of his output has been on TV. And if House is any indication, that's probably where he belongs.

IS IT SURREAL

To its credit, House does have some surreal and nightmarish images. In a memorable sequence, Cobb gets it in his mind that his son is being held captive in another world, and the only way in is through the bathroom mirror. He smashes the mirror to reveal nothing but a big black void. After some ridiculous monster hands (i.e. rubber Halloween gloves) grab at him from the void, he fashions a rope and climbs down into the misty netherworld. The mirror scene is certainly inventive; too bad the rest of the movie feels like a cheesy haunted house attraction.

MATCH.COM, you've screwed me again!

--------

I thought I would really like House. An fun cast, practical monster effects, and the promise of a horror comedy seemed like a recipe for WIN, yet I found the film very tedious. I never grew up with this film, so I have no nostalgia for it. From where I stand today, the horror was light and the humor never struck the right tone for me. My stay at the House was not unbearable, but I was very happy to leave when it was over.

FRIGHT NIGHT -- Cover Criticism

Fright Night may have a lot of gay sub text (find out what I mean in my review), but its VHS art is straight up iconic. People know it, but is that enough to give it classic status?  Will it be classic, characterless, or criminal?

Verdict: CLASSIC

How can you argue with this? Although this art does not represent any of the film's camp, its iconic demonic cloud is guaranteed to hook any passerby. In the bottom-half of the frame, a lonely, isolated house is penned in by trees on both sides forcing your attention to the curious figure in the window. Who could it be? Why are they so alone? Are they watching you -- a stalker or voyeur? The painted quality of the image saturated with grainy shades evokes a dark, story-book quality that offsets the creep-factor. But then your eyes are funneled upwards into the unfurling cloud of hell. From the center of a swirling mass of frightful shapes, the unmistakable face of a horrible vampire with piercing eyes impales you from across the room. It draws you nearer to its crooked maw. The person in the window is a victim! Unaware of the horror building behind them! And if you were like me, a kid who loved to be scared, this artwork certainly got you to beg your parents to rent this. Or you grabbed it yourself. No photoshopped headshots from promo stills. No busy, digital-sheen after effects. Just classic composition with effective visuals = horror win

Xtro -- Cover Criticism

Back in my review of Xtro (review) I talked about how weird, disturbing, and silly the film is. But how does its VHS box art stack up?  Will it be classic, characterless, or criminal?

Verdict: CHARACTERLESS!

The box art for Xtro typifies the verbal shrug that is "meh." For a film that includes alien rape, the birth of a full grown man from between a woman's legs, psycho midget clowns, a panther, and a giant killer action figure, why does Xtro look like the art for a lame arcade game? Sure, it represents the thematic content of the father-son dynamic, but compared to other 80's sci-fi / horror box art covers, Xtro just doesn't bring any Xtro-ordinary to the table. I like the warm colour compliments between Tony in his red turtle-neck and the orange/red hues of the alien behind him, but the profusion of white text leaves me cold. You'd have no idea going into this movie how bat-shit insane it really is.

Xtro (Review)

Xtro (1983) 

Director: Harry Bromley Davenport

Xtro!

Xtro!

Read all about it!

Deadbeat father and alien rapist returns! Declares snake eggs delicious! Xtro! Xtro!

Read all about it!

SYNOPSIS

Tony and his daddy are having a jolly good time at their English cottage after mummy goes out for a drive. Just Tony and dear old daddy playing fetch in the yard with the family dog. Father, son, dog: the perfect day. Then some nasty alien light comes down and breaks up all the fun by stealing away Tony's daddy for three years. Oh, poo! Tony's mommy remarries an American photographer and hires a ridiculously hot French nanny, but Tony just wants his daddy back. Well, he's in luck. Tony's daddy soon returns for his son, but now his daddy is a creepy looking alien with a very graphic and perverse method of metamorphosis. Yay! Daddy's home!

Xtro is a low-budget British horror film that is without a doubt one of the weirdest and strangest schlock sci-fi horror films I've ever seen. It doesn't make a lick of sense but has almost everything I'm looking for in cheesy and shocking VHS gems. The only downside is that it's complete garbage as a story. 


Rating: 2.5/ 5 Evil Midget Clowns

SPOILERS FOLLOW

IS IT SHOCKING

Xtro is most infamous for an early scene in which Tony's father, Sam (Philip Sayer), returns to Earth as a very changed man. In fact, we come to learn that he's now an alien prowling around in the woods.

 I bring you love!

Oh no, not that kind of alien. The Xtro-terrestrial forces that kidnapped Sam have returned him as something very far from human. Think less Close Encounters and more Naked Lunch.

Hoo-ee! That's the biggest dang-gum cricket I ever saw!

When glanced from just off-screen and in the dark, the simple backwards proportions of the alien are actually quite effective for shock value. Up close, however, the thing looks plainly silly. The alien, thankfully, is not the shocking part of this film. The real shock comes from how it transforms back into a shape that Tony will recognize as his sweet, sweet Daddy. I get that he needs to look human. You don't want to reunite with your kid when you look like a freaky mud bug from space. What I can't get behind is his method.

The alien finds a woman in her home and knocks her to the floor. Then a seam on its underbelly opens to reveal an erect, snaking appendage that forces itself into the woman's mouth.

Maybe they should have called it XXXtro?

This alien member then begins to writhe and pump something assuredly horrible down her throat while the creature rears back in an almost orgasmic display. Even if the alien were pumping ice cream into her, there's no way this scene isn't completely nasty.

 Ever wanted to see an alien's "O" face? You're welcome.

The creature then dies and becomes a rotten husk for the dogs to pick at. But we're not done yet. Oh no, you don't get to be called Xtro just for that. You need something Xtro gross and Xtro horrifying. So, the poor alien rape victim wakes up pregnant and goes into immediate labor. She falls to the floor, legs spread, and....well...

OH

 MY

GOD!

Let's recap. We just saw an alien rape a woman and force her to give birth to its human form. A FULL GROWN MAN! WHO BITES OFF THE UMBILICAL CORD. With that little scene, we're off to the races for a film that will never be as shocking as what we've just witnessed but nevertheless will turn out to amuse and totally confuse the hell out of you. When the film was released, even the ad campaign for the film made it clear that the film wasn't going to get any better than its freaky alien-on-human acts, but let's continue on and see what Xtro wonders and horrors this film has in store.

IS IT SEXY?

Perhaps because of the gruesome birthing scene, the filmmakers found it necessary to cast the incredibly hot Maryam d'Abo as Analise, Tony's French live-in nanny. She's shown fully nude in approximately 80% of her scenes. Her character is unnecessary. Yes, her role is exploitative. But she's very welcome eye bleach in compensation for the unremitting trauma caused by the birthing sequence.

Vive la France!

Fun fact: Maryam d'Abo would secure her place as a Bond girl in The Living Daylights (1987) opposite Timothy Dalton.

IS IT SILLY?

Despite its gross-out moments, Xtro is quite silly. After Tony catches Sam eating snake eggs ("I need them"), Sam confides in his son (a very annoying Simon Nash) that he wants Tony to become an alien too. Sam gives his son a weird hickey on his shoulder and confers on his son the alien ability to alter reality with his mind. Huh?

Even sillier than these unexplained plot contrivances is the film's score. What do you think of when you imagine listening to a bleak alien horror movie? Probably not the inept tones of synthetic pan flutes that Xtro offers up. Even though the film's not really scary, the music doesn't help by shoving plodding yet flowery one-note tracks that sound like they were made on an old Casio. Apparently, Xtro almost got listed as a Video Nasty in 1980s but never got slapped with the ban. I don't know why: the music is certainly offensive enough

IS IT SURREAL?

After Tony is given the power to shape reality, we jump from an alien body horror film into a weird cross of Carrie and The Omen. Tony's a petty child, so he uses his new-found abilities to conjure up a creepy little clown to cause mischief. Among other nightmare weirdness, Tony gets revenge on his downstairs neighbor by sending her a giant action figure to kill her with a bayonet. This scene is a classic one because the actor in the "action figure" doll mask doesn't  phone it in his performance. He does such a convincing robot pantomime that I really felt he was a giant killer doll. Although he never says a word, the doll man is probably the best actor in the whole film

You don't have to be on acid to watch Xtro but it helps.

So, what more can I say about Xtro? It's Xtro weird. Xtro gross. Xtro cheesy. As a film and story, it's rubbish. As an experience into the weirdness and boundary-pushing efforts of low-budget VHS horror, especially in the very limited output of horror from the UK, Xtro is worth a curious glance.

Death Spa (Review)

Death Spa (1988) 
Director: Michael Fischa

Death Spa is far better than it has any right to be even though it rips off far better movies in the genre. I chose Death Spa for review purely based on its delightfully over-the-top VHS art, but it turned out to be the kind of movie I hope for when I  review these cheesy 1980's horror films. It's a movie with a through-and-through cheesy concept that somehow manage to rise above its technical and narrative limitations to deliver something surprisingly entertaining.

SYNOPSIS

The Starbody Health Spa is one of the hottest and hippest health spas around, attracting all the hard-bodied boys and girls to its health bar, saunas, synchronized dance classes, swimming facilities, full-frontal female showers, and annual Mardi Gras costume party! Since his wife committed suicide by setting herself on fire, the spa owner, Michael (William Bumiller), has gone all out to make Starbody the best Health Spa money can by. He even goes so far as to employ his dead wife's spiteful brother David (Merritt Butrick) as a computer programmer to create a fully automated gym computer system. After Michael's new girlfriend is gassed and blinded by chlorine in a freak steam room accident, more unusual accidents and deaths start to occur. Are the deaths the result of a glitch in the computer system or are they murders perpetrated by David? Maybe it's corporate sabotage or the ghostly work of Michael's vengeful dead wife? Actually, it's all of these things put together. Rest assured, the jumbled mess of a plot does eventually unravel itself after a number of nude or semi-nude women are killed in mysterious and increasingly gory circumstances deep within the dark confines of the STARBODY HEALTH SPA, or as its neon sign declares after some of its lights burn out, the STARBODY HEALTH SPA

Rating: 3 / 5 Blind Sunglasses

IS IT SILLY?

Death Spa is not a serious horror film, but it's not an intentional comedy either. Although the characters play it straight, the events are so over-the-top, and the setting is so ridiculous (and by today's standards coated in so much 80's cheese it could be a Velveeta commercial) that the film manages to achieve some kind of weirdly motivating energy that keeps rolling through the film's boring filler scenes. The downside of the film's silliness is its convoluted plot. The narrative is a mess of threads in an attempt to copy other movies. Many have mentioned that Death Spa is a ripoff of Killer Workout, but there's also elements of Carrie, Psycho, and even a slight hint of Electric Dreams in here. As I've said, however, once you push past the filler, the tangle of thread manages to adhere into an appealing balance of straight-faced ridiculousness and unintentional 1980s oddities (see the excessive number of choreographed dance sequences).

 We interrupt Death Spa with a scene from Flashdance.

Except for Merritt Butrick who utters a scream almost on par with Troll 2's "Ohhhh myyyy god," the acting's decent. Even Dawn of the Dead's Ken Foree shows up in a bit part to lend some sincerity to the character ensemble. Surrounded by the silliness of the plot, the earnestness with which the actors commit to their roles without going into belabored attempts at melodrama makes me think of Death Spa as a kindergartner's crayon drawing. It's silly and messy and derivative, but because the kid wasn't shooting for high-art it manages to be endearing and kind of surprising. Death Spa is 80's cheese at its most charming.

Sometimes an asparagus is just a limp green penis.

IS IT SEXY?

The main reason for anyone to see Death Spa is all the sweaty T and A. There are long scenes that hang on shots of buff guys and tight women working out in the gym. There are even longer scenes of full-frontal nudity in a woman's shower, not to mention other shots of women in their bras and panties running around the gym's locker room unaware of their impeding doom.

"Arrgh, the censors promised me these would be water-soluble!"

Well, Booger, there's some of that too. Death Spa hails from the time when women went for a more natural look below the belt and there wasn't this modern (and almost pathological) obsession with shaving and waxing.

IS IT SHOCKING?

Death Spa comes out of the gate with an impressive number of well-executed and surprisingly gory murders. Not all the effects succeed, but most are quite shocking if not in their brutal quality then in their unexpectedness. In one of my favorite scenes, a character has a run-in with the film's villain in which his hand blows up inexplicably before arcing a gush of blood across the screen. A number of the deaths are due to some form of burning (which is thematically integral to the story), but others are offed in typical slasher movie fashion -- impaled, severed, or maimed by everyday objects. 

Expect plenty of blood, sweat, and tears at 
The Starbody Health Spa. Heavy on the blood.

IS IT SURREAL?

Death Spa is no Eraserhead, but has a number of inventive and bizarre deaths that might leave you thinking, "Did they just do that?". For example, one character is killed when a frozen fish comes back to life and clamps down on his jugular. Another characters is blown to jig-saw pieces by a violently erupting mirror. The film also makes extensive use surreal roaming camera and POV shots. In one of the most interesting early scenes, the camera appears to be static (to the point you forget that you're looking at the scene through the camera's lens). Then, without cutting, the camera starts to move and follow the characters, thrusting the audience into a sudden POV mode.

The film is also a major tease. There are more build-ups to terrifying moments that never happen than there are terrifying moments. For some reason, I fell for this bait and switch every time. You can't be sure what is real because the director is uncommonly good at setting up expectations and playing against them. All the red-herrings and misdirection starts to feel like a cheap attempt to pad the running time, but for most of the film it's fun to know you can't really trust what's going on. The convoluted plot doesn't help, but on a visual level you can't trust what you're seeing, and this adds a needed level of uncertainty.

So, in the end, Death Spa exceeded my low expectations. Unlike other low-rent bore-fests from the same year, such as The Rejuvenator (review), Death Spa manages to make me forgive its hackneyed script, ridiculous plot, and unhelpful running-time by offering solid visual directing, visually interesting sets, satisfying carnage, constant nudity, and some surprising twists and turns. It's 80's cheese, for sure, but worth seeing on a night in when you're looking for something garish and gory.